Talking stR8 in the Audi R8

Imagine you’ve just won a date with your ultimate Hollywood actor: Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Charlize Theron. Or in the ladies’ case, Chris Hemsworth, or Idris Elba. Imagine you not only get to spend the whole evening indulging in Moët & Chandon and fresh oysters with them, but as the evening draws to a close, they lean in for a kiss. But then someone spots you, the paparazzi appear out of nowhere, cameras start flashing and the next morning there is a fair bit of explaining to do, and admin to be taken care of.

Similar to my experience with Audi’s delectable R8.

Having not been able to attend the local launch (my lucky Jo’burg colleagues went instead) I jumped at the chance when I saw the Go Rally advertised on Facebook by Exclusive Assets in Cape Town. Enter your supercar! (or sports car, or muscle car), they said. It will be fun, they said. So I arranged for the astonishing Audi R8 to be my smoking hot companion for the day. It didn’t involve any real rallying, or else Audi would never have agreed to lend the R8 to me. Instead, we’d all meet at the Mercedes AMG showroom near Canal walk, and then we’d all take a scenic drive via the breathtaking Clarence Drive (with two stops along the way) to Hermanus, where we’d park our cars on the lawn of the Whales & Wheels Motor Show, which forms part of the Hermanus Whale Festival.

Fashionably late, I roll in at the AMG parking area. I’m not the only one in sexy wheels, there are some beauties parked all around. But my Daytona Grey R8 V10 Plus is a show-stopper. Imagine Jessica Biel walking through the parking lot in a bikini and a pair of red stiletto heels. THAT is the amount of attention we drew.

After coffee and a short speech by Ashley Thompson (owner of Exclusive Assets and organizer of the Go Rally) my videographer friend, Vaughn, hooks up three GoPro cameras onto the R8’s pretty flanks and roof, and then we’re off. The media is snapping away as we exit the starting point, then it’s onto the R300 and later the N2. Traffic is slow at times and as I’m about to take a gap, a taxi comes speeding out of nowhere, nearly causing me to have an embolism. The R8’s carbon ceramic brakes are effective, that much we know! After a frustrating drive on the congested N2, we turn into Gordon’s Bay for sharp-bend-happy Clarence Drive. I’m in luck, as it’s rather deserted. I need only blip the throttle to overtake whatever’s unfortunate enough to be in front of me, which results in the R8 shooting forward like a ravenous, growling werewolf pouncing on an unsuspecting Zebra. The adrenaline starts pumping so hard I almost give myself that embolism I mentioned earlier. The rest of the journey is heart-stoppingly exciting as I approach each corner with zeal, stepping hard on the brakes to gain full control so I can swiftly navigate the turn and power out almost supersonically fast, with the crescendo of the majestic 5.2-litre V10’s roar in my ears. Obviously I am now in the phase of the story where I metaphorically get to snog a 449 kW Chris Hemsworth equivalent, and boy, is he a good kisser. Vaughan’s only concern is whether his GoPro cameras are still attached to the side of the car.

After a fair bit of filming we reach our destination at the Whales & Wheels Motor Show. People can’t stop gawking, and I can imagine how it must look! With a lady in the driver’s seat, people probably assume the minted husband in the passenger seat is letting his wife have a go in his R8 because he had a bit too much wine over lunch. The possibilities are endless! We both have a giggle as we’re just two petrol heads who happen to like telling stories about extraordinary cars.

Hermanus is so overrun with festival goers, that we soon make our escape via the sublimely twisty Hemel-en-Aarde Valley road that leads to the N2 via Caledon – sweeping bends of brand spanking new tarmac that suits the R8 like a hand-stitched Armani jacket on 007.  Exhilaration ensues. The R8 V10 Plus has almost too much power to know what to do with. It surely isn’t legal to push the R8 to its limits in the Western Cape where there’s no Autobahn and legions of unbribable traffic police. But oh, the temptation to speed is like the elephant in the room - very hard to ignore. The only way to make use of this power is to wait until you can overtake something - and then give it horns. Then you can at least feel that ballistic acceleration of only 3.2 seconds to reach a 100 km/hour from standstill!

We stop for a quick lunch at Dassiesfontein farm stall along the N2, and afterwards we drive happily along for at least another 30 minutes when the tyre pressure monitor light comes on. Something doesn’t feel right. The cat-eye reflectors on the road are sending thuds through the cabin every time the gigantic 20-inch wheels roll over them. It feels like something’s up with the right front tyre. I put the hazards on and we slow down to 40 km per hour, and turn left into Sir Lowry’s pass road en route to Gordon’s Bay. Vaughn gets out to check, and uses the standard tyre repair kit (you plug it into the 12V power socket and it inflates the tyre), while I phone Audi’s Capetonian press fleet controller. Vaughn points to a cut of about 3 centimetres on the sidewall, and we are racking our brains to figure out at which section of our route this could have happened. There were one or two short sections of good gravel but I was bordering on paranoid and driving at a snail’s pace - the R8 has insanely low profile tyres that cost an arm and a leg, and I signed my fare share of insurance paperwork. Did I hit a pothole? I can’t remember. Did a jealous person slash my tyre? But where? Your guess is as good as mine. But since there’s no space for a spare wheel and the eina-tyre is too damaged to inflate, we have to be towed to Cape Town.

Audi Assist was pretty good. We did wait for about 20 minutes for help to arrive, which could have proved unfortunate had we been stranded somewhere dodgier. Audi Cape Town (as well as the Audi Assist call centre) contacted me frequently to check whether we were all right. I have to admit, sitting on the side of the road in a car that costs three times as much as a decent two-bedroom apartment made me feel like a silly, sitting duck. A few scaly-looking individuals stopped, giving us the wrong kind of attention and offering ‘help’. No, we’re just looking at the sunset, we said. In possibly the most unwelcoming setting, bar the N2 near Khayelitsha. Eventually Audi Assist’s nice guys took us back to town.

That’s the downside to supercar ownership. And this is the admin I spoke of earlier. When I was safely back in my ‘norma’l car, Audi Assist called to check on me every 30 minutes, to make sure I was OK during my long drive back home.

Is the R8 absolutely mind-blowing to drive? Yes, it is! Its power corrupts, and almost excites you to the level of lawlessness with a healthy helping of entitlement on the side. The interior is everything you dream of. The technology is astounding. It makes you feel like the multimillion bucks you’re paying for it. But there is no such thing as an ‘everyday supercar’, even though manufacturers like to think so and market them as such. Let’s be honest: Are you, as supercar owner, going to take your R8 to Checkers to pick up your blood pressure medication from MediRite? Because there sure isn’t space for more than a bag of groceries in the letterbox-sized hollow underneath the bonnet. And neither are there back seats. And that hooligan of a V10-engine takes up all the space in the rear. If you go away for a weekend, there’s no way your girlfriend’s baggage can fit in anywhere, unless she plans on wearing that outfit Jessica Biel wore earlier in my story for the entire weekend.

The solution?

Downsize to an Audi TTS Coupé 2.0T Quattro (from R743 000) in stealthy black. Not as much unwelcome attention, decent fuel economy, and space for a suitcase. But would I buy an R8 if I had unlimited Warren Buffett-like funds? You can bet your bottom dollar I would. My chopper pilot will be on standby in case I get a flat.